why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
