i permit you to call me
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
