every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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