how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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