grandma shit on top of the toilet
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Dick very happy bro
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
