I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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