My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
false alarm. still invincible.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
