elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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