Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
