If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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