I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
