ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
