You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
