Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
