im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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