I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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