if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
