I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
