I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
