Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
