After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
