i need an iv and a liver transplant
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
