i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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