please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
