I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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