I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Randomize
