I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
