He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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