you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
