Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
