Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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