he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
