Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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