gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
