don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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