So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
