I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
