Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
