Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
