I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
