how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
