If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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