just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
your like the ambassador to my penis.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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