i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
