If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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