So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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