I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
