Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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