My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
