the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
