i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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